Set the scene.

Think about the time and place and how you will involve the other person.  Agree on an approach.

Step One


Describe the outcome you want or your purpose in the  conversation.

Step Two

Map the difference.

Create a  values map.
Describe the problem as a difference of values.  Map the difference in

  • values
  • styles
  • needs
  • perceptions
  • power
  • feelings

Step Three 

Take three points of view to describe the problem

Describe the behaviour or situation from three points of view including why it is a problem.

  • your story
  • their story
  • third story – think like a mediator (neutral third party)

Step Four 

Map the contribution

Don’t blame.  Listen to each person’s contribution. What am I contributing to this situation? What are they contributing?

Step Five 

Think about impact vs. intention, expectations and selective perceptions held. Identify expectations. Identify selective perceptions held.

Separate the impact (on you) from their intentions.  What did they say or do (or not do)?  What was the impact on me?  Identify any assumptions you are making about what the person intended?  Hold this as a hypothesis. Check it out.

Identify what expectations you have of each other.

Identify any selective perceptions held.

Step Six 

Generate options  in each other’s control.

Identify what you will do differently in the future (in your control). Identify what you think they could do differently in the future (your expectations or requests).

Step Seven 

Identify benefits of change.

If we do this then . . .